


Put That Thing Back Where It Came From

by FireflyFish



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Cursed Sith Artifacts, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:33:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireflyFish/pseuds/FireflyFish
Summary: Anakin picked up something he really shouldn't have and now he and Obi-Wan are on "medical leave".While the Negotiator and the Hero With No Fear are out of commission, everyone around them tries to pitch in, and fill in the gaps until they manage to break the Sith curse they're under. Of course, no one really realized just how much work General Kenobi has on his plate.And now that you mention it... why does the Chancellor keep trying to talk to Knight Skywalker alone? How long has THAT been going on? And does anybody else think it's just a little bit creepy?





	Put That Thing Back Where It Came From

"And you're positive that's the only way to... to... cure our predicament?" Obi-Wan asked Master Yuen Rast, a well-known master of poisons, biological weapons, and just about anything that could quietly and subtly destroy a being.

Including Dark Side curses.

Rast nodded, his movements eerily soundless. "Yes. You two should have come to me sooner. Unfortunately, the curse has advanced to its end stage so this is the only way to break it. Had you come to me earlier we might have been able to do something about it, but, sadly, intercourse is the only way out now. And until then you must maintain constant physical contact."

"Are you SERIOUS?!" Anakin gaped at Master Rast, suddenly understanding where his friend Shen, who was trying not to snicker in the corner, got his flawless sabacc face from. "I have to... to... with Obi-Wan?!"

"Oh," Rast said, looking over at Obi-Wan for a brief moment. "Well yes, I had not considered that but if you would prefer to be the sky over Obi-Wan’s sea in this scenario, I don't see a problem with it, Skywalker. Either configuration should end the curse."

“Either… configuration?”

"Oh shut up, Anakin!" Obi-Wan snarled, yanking on his former padawan's left hand, hard enough to make the young man let out a yelp. Turning to give Rast a pleasantly bland expression, he continued. "Is... penetration... absolutely necessary, Rast?"

Master Rast nodded. "Yes. It is. If you'd like, I'll have Shen deliver some lubricant to your suite. He knows where it is."

"NO THANK YOU, MASTER RAST!" Anakin stated in a very loud, almost shout. "We can find our own... lubricant. Master, can we go now?"

"Yes, Anakin," Obi-Wan took a deep breath and gave Rast a polite bow before the pair turned around and headed for the door, uncomfortably arm-in-arm.

"It might take more than one instance of copulation," Rast called out to departing pair. "I would suggest at least five times. The number five in the ancient Sith language is a homonym for freedom."

After Skywalker and Kenobi left, Shen turned to look up at his former master. "Does it really require at least five tries, master?"

"I'm not sure but they've needed to work this out for a long time," Rast replied with a serene smile. "But five really is a Sith homonym for freedom, so it stands to reason that it will work out."

Rast shrugged and handed his former padawan a bottle of lubricant. "Now go take this to your friend Skywalker, just in case, and tell me exactly what shade of red he turns. Kou and I have fifty credits riding on this."

"What if Master Obi-Wan answers the door?" Shen asked, glancing down at the bottle which said something about "sensual pleasure oil from Ryloth". He wasn’t sure he wanted to know how his master came to be in possession of such an item.

"We have a hundred credits riding on that."

When Shen rang the doorbell at the Kenobi and Skywalker suite a few minutes later, he was a little disappointed to see that Anakin had answered the door because he had really wanted to see the look Master Obi-Wan's face when he accepted the lube. As it was, he could see Master Obi-Wan’s hand in Anakin’s just beyond the edge of the door. Clearly, the curse was very powerful in its last stages.

Oh well. He would happily settle for Anakin’s mortified fury instead.

"Hey, Anakin!" Shen smiled, bright and cheerful. He held out the magenta colored bottle of "sensual pleasure oil" to his friend and fellow knight. "You forgot this when you left Master Rast's room so I thought I would bring it by."

"Thank you," Anakin replied, his voice so cold and brittle it could have shattered into a million razor sharp shards. "How kind of you."

"Master Rast also said that five times might not be enough so if you run out, just let me know and I'll get you some more," Shen grinned, deciding that Anakin's face had turned a lovely shade of maroon.

Perhaps the same color as Pantoran summer wine.

"Thank you, Shen," Anakin hissed, his blue eyes blazing with an un-Jedi-like desire to punch his friend’s smug face in. "Is that all?"

"Do you need somebody to pick up dinner for you two?"

Obi-Wan's face appeared around the door jamb, his brows narrowed over his eyes and his Force presence that of an apex predator ready for the kill. "Shen Ruwakada, if you do not leave this instant I will revoke your knighthood and make you a Creche Master!"

"All right then!" Shen breezed, waving to both men as he turned down the hallway to depart, whistling a popular song that was about getting lucky with a lovely someone on a tropical moon on the Outer Rim. "I will be by tomorrow morning with breakfast and reports from your troopers!"

“Kark you, Ruwakada!” Anakin shouted after him, humiliated and furious.

“Promises, promises!” Shen laughed and turned a corner leaving the positively mortified Jedi alone with their thoughts.

And a particularly nasty Dark Side curse.

“That seemed unduly harsh,” Obi-Wan said after Anakin stepped back into the main living area of their shared suite. “He was only trying to help. In an obnoxious and smug manner but still. He is your friend.”

Anakin gaped at Obi-Wan, gesturing with his gloved hand. “You just threatened to revoke his knighthood and exile him to the creche! How is that not worse?”

“He likes children,” Obi-Wan explained, leading Anakin back to the sofa so that he could sit down and return to awkwardly sipping his tea with his left hand. “Besides, it’s not possible to revoke a knighthood.”

Anakin rolled his eyes and used the Force to hover a small datapad over to his lap. “Let me guess, you’ve tried to get me demoted to Padawan Learner and the Council wouldn’t go for it.”

Obi-Wan smiled into his tea. “Not recently. Knowing my luck the Council would partner me up with Quinlan Vos again.”

Anakin rolled his eyes and scowled down at his datapad and tried to pretend that the idea of Quinlan Vos being assigned to Obi-Wan didn’t fill his heart with silent, blistering rage and jealousy.

 

* * *

 

“So… Anakin picked up something he shouldn’t and now he’s cursed to hold Master Obi-Wan’s hand forever?” Dax Reykja asked Shen as they ate dinner on a ledge, high up along the Jedi Temple’s facade. Decades or perhaps even centuries ago, the ledge might have been a balcony or perhaps the start for some kind of walkway to another Temple spire but that plan and the ledge had been abandoned for years. Anakin had discovered it when he was a padawan and had shown his friends his secret space after an extensive vetting process that mostly consisted of getting into fights with one or two bullies in their age group.

And the all important exchange of snacks and desserts at dinner in the main dining hall.

If only the strife between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independant Systems could be solved as easily with the transfer of Mandalorian Spiced Crisps and candied pastries from Raxxus.

“No, it’s so much worse than that,” Shen explained, taking a sip of caf. “According to Master Rast, it was originally designed as a kind of torture device. Ancient Sith would use it to torment Jedi with it by forcing them to remain in extended contact with a Dark Side wielder assuming that the close proximity would make them Fall.”

“You’re not serious,” Dax snorted, arching an eyebrow at Shen. “Why on Onderon would the ancient Sith go to such convoluted measures to tempt a Jedi? Why not just torture them instead?”

Shen shrugged, biting into his marinated nerf slider. “I don’t know. Master Rast is always lamenting the ‘death of creativity’ in modern Force users. Anyway, the curse can only be lifted by either an expert in Dark Side curses…”

“Master Rast, obviously,” Dax interjected.

“Right, or by…,” at this Shen had the decency to turn pink as he enjoyed a salted fried potato skewer. “You know…”

Dax gave Shen a flat look. “No. I don’t. Do they have to dance naked under the moons of Korriban? Retire from the Jedi Order and take up nerf herding on the high plateaus of Gingensu? What do they have to do?”

“Kriff. They have to kriff.”

“What?!”

“Five times, Master Rast thinks.”

Dax blinked at her friend, her fork falling into the bowl of pickled rice noodles from Naboo with a loud clang. “Are you SERIOUS?! That’s horrible! That’s… that’s… They can’t make Master Obi-Wan and Anakin do that! That’s inhumane!”

“Yes, well, Master Rast says they’re screwed now and it’s either bang like tookas in heat or die,” Shen exhaled, rushing through his words, Dax’s reaction making him feel bad for his friend and his friend’s master. “I already told Anakin we’d take care of Ahsoka while he and Master Obi-Wan are… indisposed and the Fleet is taking this time to retrofit the _Resolute_ and the _Negotiator_ with new hull plating and shielding systems so their men won’t be in danger.”

“Why isn’t Ahsoka staying with Master Plo?” Dax asked. “Not that I mind. Kaji and the boys will love having her around. They’ve been whining about how every other Jedi Knight out there has a padawan and I owe it to them to get them a mascot.”

“I’m not sure it’s wise to call Ahsoka a mascot,” Shen chuckled. “Anakin asked that we keep this quiet so I figured we should just keep it between us.”

“Makes sense,” Dax nodded, sipping her drink. “I don’t think I’d be able to face anyone ever again if word got out that I was on medical leave because I had to kriff my Master until I broke some kind of Sith curse.”

“Yeah,” Shen solemnly agreed.

There was a long moment of silence between the two Jedi before Dax spoke with muffled giggle. “Five times? Really?”

“That’s what Master Rast said,” Shen said, holding up his hand.

 


End file.
